Dear Friends!
Please see Linda Hartling's kind message further down, where she shares with us her notes on the presentation by Aaron Lazare on apology!

Dearest Friends,

I attended a talk on "apology" by Aaron Lazare last night. As you know, he did some early work on humiliation, so I've had an interest in his perspective.

Here are a few points that I thought you might find interesting, with my editorial comments:

1. An apology not only heal relationships, it can also enhance relationships (e.g., connection, disconnection, reconnection/better
connection)
2. Women offer more apologies, are better at apologizing, sometimes apologize unnecessarily (perhaps a woman should have contributed to the
book??)
3. When apologies work, they restore balance in the relationship.
4. An apology is a gift we give somebody.
5. An apology restores the dignity and the self-respect of the offended person.
6. An apology is not an act, but a negotiation (relational).
7. It is never too late to offer and apology, but it can be too soon....sometimes the offended person needs time to express his/her anger.
8. Ways of apologizing are highly defined by the culture.
9. Components of a good apology:
>> Acknowledge the violation
>> Communicate remorse, shame, forebearance
>> Offer an explanation
>> Make reparations.
9. When the needs of the other person (offended person) are met, forgiveness is spontaneous.

I think apologizing is an important, but underdeveloped relational skill that is often neglected. The US government could use some instruction on this topic.
Hugs to all,
Linda

Wed., February 15th,
Pendleton 212, 7:30 pm

Go to this link for a review of On Apology from the Boston Globe http://www.boston.com/ae/books/articles/2005/06/12/doctor_studies_power_of_im_sorr

Sponsors: Religious and Spiritual Life, Hillel and Peace and Justice Studies
Co-sponsors: Africana Studies, Counseling Services, Cultural Advising Network, Harambee House, Jean Baker Miller Training Institute, Medical Professions Advisory Commitee, Newman Catholic Ministry, Office of Continuing Education, Office of the Dean of students, Office of Multicultural Programnning and Services, Office of Residential Life, Slater International Center, Wellesley Centers for Women.

Dr. Aaron Lazare is the author of On Apology, an exploration and analysis of the power of apology, not just for individuals but also for groups and
nations -- for example, Abraham Lincoln's apology for slavery and the U.S. government's apology to Japanese-Americans interned during World War II. In its review, Publishers Weekly wrote, "Lazare succeeds in showing that a true apology is among the most graceful and profound of all human exchanges. When it is sincere, it is not an end but a new beginning." Lazare will discuss why people apologize, why some apologies heal while others fail (and even offend) and the differences between public and private apologies. "It is a behavior that requires of both parties an attitude of honesty, generosity, humility, commitment and courage," Lazare writes. He has lectured extensively on the relevance of apology in law, conflict resolution and mediation, globalization, sociolinguisitics, theology, philosophy, ethics and medicine. Lazare is chancellor and dean and professor of psychiatry, at the University of Massachusetts Medical School and senior psychiatrist at Massachusetts General Hospital.

"All true apologies are an offering that is intended to restore the dignity and self- respect of the offended party."