Book Review: Joel Yager Reviews On Apology by Aaron Lazare
Book Review in American Journal of Psychiatry by Joel Yager, M.D., Albuquerque, New Mexico
On Apology by Aaron Lazare
New York, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What a pleasure to read a book by a prominent psychiatrist that bubbles with wisdom.
Aaron Lazare, Chancellor and Dean at the University of Massachusetts Medical School
and Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard, previously gifted the field with seminal research
on the “negotiated encounter” between clinicians and patients. In part as an extension of
that work, in this erudite, edifying and deeply satisfying volume he now focuses on
processes of apology as key transactions in human affairs. Beginning with the
observation that articles about apologies in popular media have more than doubled in the
past decade he identifies several contemporary factors contributing to this increase.
Among others, as the world flattens apologies are necessary to help diverse individuals
and groups get along - if they are to work together successfully. And thanks to the
ubiquity of media virtually every cell-phone is now a video-camera, so that potentially
embarrassing and offending acts that were previously private have suddenly become
public. Perhaps there’s now more out and about to apologize for.
In select subcultures cultures and alpha-male-dominated social classes, the idea of having
to apologize has sometimes been abhorrent, indeed shamefully dishonorable, leading
certain prominent historical figures to publicly condemn the idea of apologizing,
regardless of the offense. But, times are changing. Now, given the groundswell in acts of
apology and advocates for apologizing in certain prominent and very public subgroups,
we may be witnessing a deep shift in cultural values and behavioral norms. Lazare’s take
is that the art of apology, always important in human conduct, is likely to become even
more important to assure future social harmony among individuals, groups, nations and
trans-national aggregations.
Having established this premise, Lazare formulates his analyses based on more than 1000
acts of apology, from episodes in his personal and family life, clinical practice and
demanding administrative positions in complex organizations to publicly documented
apologies in today’s media, historical and religious sources. He is both a scholar and a
skilled practitioner. First, he carefully deconstructs virtually every aspect of these
transactions — linguistic, developmental, intra-psychic, interpersonal, cultural, political,
historical, philosophical and religious. From these inquiries he then fashions concise,
largely face-valid, and testable theoretical models as well as field-tested techniques for
offering apologies and for mediating apologies between offending and offended parties.
Woven throughout the book are valuable pointers on what constitute genuine and
effective apologies and how they may be achieved.
The book focuses on what you might call “ the offended-offender relationship” – those
inter-subjective fields encompassing key intra-psychic and interpersonal events that can
consume victims with humiliation, shame, guilt and rage, and, sometimes, perpetrators
with humility, remorse, repentance, and redemption. In the best possible humanistic
Book Review – Joel Yager, M.D., Albuquerque, New Mexico 2
scenarios these transactions can lead to genuine forgiveness. Within this broad interactive
space numerous types of offenses exist – from thoughtless blunders to intentional
violations; personal vs. impersonal affronts; single acts vs. ongoing offenses; those
causing trivial damages and slights vs. unforgivable offenses such as intentional
genocides.
Offended parties vary in sensitivity from self-blaming victims to prickly grudge-seekers
and grudge-holders. Similarly, offenders and their apologies vary in important ways –
from sincere, heart-wrenching remorseful confessors to half-hearted, coerced, apologists;
from private face-to-face acts of truly humbling apology to staged, indirect acts that reek
of insincerity (such as having an excuse-laden letter read to a news-conference by a
spokesperson). And there are “apologias” that serve more to justify offensive actions than
to apologize for them. Apologies may occur immediately or delayed in time, contributing
to personal rituals of restoration as through Steps 8 and 9 of 12-Step programs, or through
national rituals of reconciliation as in the post-Apartheid public political rituals in South
Africa.
On the “offended” side of the equation, Lazare identifies seven needs that offended
persons and groups hope to satisfy to varying degrees through apology. These include
needs for restoration of dignity; acknowledgement that the offender actually shares
important core values held by the offended party (such as respect for treating individuals
with dignity); truthful explanations as to why the offense was perpetrated; assurances of
future safety; exculpation from blame (i.e. assuring that the offense was not somehow the
offended party’s fault in the first place); revenge and/or restitutive justice; and
reparations.
On the “offender” side, motivations to apologize stem from intra-psychic needs to
alleviate guilt and shame in order to restore an inner sense of piece, and/or from
externally motivated adaptive needs, as the cost of doing business to meet social
expectations in order to move on – to preserve social harmony. Lazare’s insightful
analyses of failed and unconsummated apologies show how these misguided stumbles
may leave the offended party feeling even more offended, hopeless, and further enraged.
In essence this section offers a helpful guide of what not to say and what not to do. He
also discusses why certain individuals and groups are unwilling and/or unable to
apologize.
Although this book transcends Psychiatry per se, implicit are hosts of clinically relevant
questions that beg further study: What accounts for the fact that males seemingly have a
harder time than females in apologizing? What temperamental and developmental factors
related to pride, narcissism, rigidity, sociopathy and so forth contribute to the maladaptive
impairments of the prone-to-offend personality? Of the easily-offended personality? Of
the incapable-of-apologizing personality? Given how important apology is in clinical
situations, dispute resolutions, and legal transactions, should clinical training in many
human-service fields mandate core competencies in how to apologize, in teaching others
how to apologize, and in mediating apologies? (Indeed, Lazare proposes that an apologyBook
Review – Joel Yager, M.D., Albuquerque, New Mexico 3
oriented curriculum might benefit “ethics” and “communications” education in high
schools, colleges and religious schools.)
At the same time, you can’t read this book without reflecting on numerous apologies
waiting out there to be delivered, from those involving your own interactions with family,
friends, patients, and colleagues, to those involving larger human aggregations up to and
including nations, and trans-national ethnic and religious groups. Lazare’s analyses bring
welcome clarity to offenses that constantly occur at each of these interacting levels. He
adds considerably to our understanding of what might be done and difficulties likely to be
encountered in efforts to resolve long-standing offenses ranging from minor humiliations
to truly horrendous ongoing policies and activities.
A “must read” for clinicians of all stripes, the book will also stimulate, provoke and
possibly change ways of doing business for a much wider audience, virtually anyone
engaged in reciprocal relationships. When you read it, I have no doubt that you’ll think of
family members, friends, colleagues and public figures to whom you’d like to send gift
copies, with certain sections underlined.